How many guys out there hate Valentine’s Day? Jump on the bandwagon with me, because this holiday sucks. Aggravating pink and red heart-shaped crap is everywhere, and frankly, if I have to see another teddy bear, I’m going to hurl. It’s like, National Guy Guilt Day. That’s what they should start calling it.
Girlfriends and wives everywhere look to their partners to get them something perfect and romantic. (I’m rolling my eyes right now.) All the pressure is put on this one night, and it’s like our date night last week meant nothing, because it’s all about V Day. Didn’t I buy you dinner two nights ago? Didn’t I take your dog to the groomer’s last Saturday? But none of this means anything, because when you fail on Valentine’s Day, you fail for the whole year. You are officially on her list, and her mom’s list, and the lists of every friend she has on speed dial. Because yes, she texted and called all of them to complain about your incompetence and the general failure of your existence.
So what do we do? There are several options for guys who wish to avoid “the list”.
1. Break up with your girlfriend. I have used this tactic a couple times. If the girl isn’t extra special, I say bag it before the day. This way, even though you will officially be listed, it won’t matter, because you’ll be out drinking with the guys on the night of the 14th. It’s amazing how that makes up for it, isn’t it?
2. Find a way to be “out of town”. Disappear for a little while, on official business, for a convenient span of time that includes Guy Guilt Day. Arrange to send her a bouquet from a nice floral shop and in the snap of two fingers, you’re golden. You may be listed for not making more of an effort to be in town, but again, you’re probably partying in Vegas, so no big deal.
3. On your way over to her house, stop at the grocery store and grab her some roses and a box of chocolates. Minimal effort, but chocolate might make up for it if you have a lady who is easy to please. This may be enough to avoid the list, since you did put some thought into the holiday.
4. Suck it up and make her Valentine’s Day special. This is for the sap out there who is crazy about his lady. Good luck, brother. Avoid clichés, go for something nice. Jewelry, something personalized, love letters, whatever you gotta do. Not only will you avoid the list, you’ll get on her good side. Chicks dig guys who care.
So maybe you are noticing that most of these options probably still landed you on the list. That’s because most guys are going to end up on the list this year, and there isn’t a whole lot we can do about it. Short of actually trying; be prepared to be the subject of some pretty derogative conversations. It’s all part of being a man; learning to deal with your own failure in the eyes of all the women in your life. Get used to it. It’s also just part of being a guy on Valentine’s Day. Again, get used to it.
For all you single dudes out there, count yourselves lucky. Have a beer. Go out with the guys. Enjoy being on nobody’s list. For all the ladies out there, single or attached, count yourselves lucky that I’m taken. And for everyone, everywhere… let’s count ourselves lucky that this tacky holiday only happens once a year!